The Sex Life of a College Virgin

    I’ve never been a very religious person.  My parents did their best, but somehow Church has never been , and probably will never be my favorite activity.  However, “hallelujah” has taken on a whole new meaning for me.

    The Sunday of “moving-in weekend”, my parents asked if I would go to church and I agreed so they’d be happy and not worry about my heathenous self burning eternally in hell.  Maybe it’s wrong, and maybe I really will burn in hell, but whenever I am in church I cannot help but search the pews for signs of “Sexy Man” Life! In my experience in churches, you will ALWAYS see one to 6 hot guys. Really. Check it out.

    Now I’ve never really been one for stalking people (unless you count facebook that one guy from school who didn’t even know my name but I just had to because he was THAT beautiful! But everyone does that, right??). And I don’t consider what I am currently doing “stalking” per se.  Its more like inserting myself in situations in which I am likely to interact with the object of my current infatuation. 

    My parents and I got to the church a little early and are sitting in our pew waiting for the Mass to commence.  A little after mass began, in my peripheral vision I observe someone sitting down in the pew a couple of feet away from me.  I glance over and what do I see??

    Imagine Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling somehow, merging into one being, and proceeding to sperminate Scarlett Johannson, and then try to mentally picture what that child (aged 19-23 year old male) would look like. 

    THAT was sitting next to me.  

    It was FUCKING beautiful. And naturally led to all sorts of blasphemous thoughts about said insanely gorgeous creature (yes I am aware I am going to hell). I should probably be worried about the fact that the simple act of shaking his hand in addition to intense-as-fuck eye contact got me as hot and bothered as it did, but I honestly could not give two shits. 

    The above mentioned interaction is, sadly, the most erotic experience, in my tragically unsexy life. And although we haven’t spoken aside from the normal “Peace be with you” my overzealous reaction to the undeniably sexy ChurchBoy has accomplished one thing:

I’m going back to church next Sunday. 8D 

jayleighd asked: You are fucking sexy woman! And yes, I don't have a penis, but there HAS to be a male me out there... somewhere. SO my question is... when you find yourself your soulmate, will you please find mine?

nah

If there is one thing that I’ve learned in my life it is this:

I fucking HATE small talk and it hates me.

I have never been talented at making idle conversation with people who I niether know nor like, and niether know nor like me.  However, if one wants to be “accepted” in typical high school suburbia, it is not advised to simply not make conversation with your classmates. Which is exactly what I did.

It’s not that I was emo and hated the world, I just suck at small talk.  This would explain my complete lack of ANY sexual experience (unless you count that one time i made out with a friends friend when I was, like, 11, which I don’t!) Obviously, I wasn’t the most popular girl at my painfully generic high school, but my friends suited me just fine, and I have the greatest best friend in the world (if only she had a penis….le sigh). 

My social failings didn’t hurt me, I still experienced most typical teenage rites of passage.  I’ve had alcohol (among other illegal substances….tehe), I’ve had a crush or two, I went to school dances, I stayed out until 4:30 in the morning, I’ve been hungover, and ten bajillion other typical teenage-like things that everyone should do. 

But nowhere in all of these experiences did I get a first kiss, get asked on a date, or even asked to prom. Slightly pathetic (okay more than slightly but whatever, stfu!) I know.  Sadly, though I have been propositioned for a “fuckbuddies” type relationship, and have recieved several requests from LOVELY gentlemen for me to, and I quote, “Blow me, bitch!” I respectfully declined on such occasions.

Is it really so much to ask that a nice guy ask a nice girl out for a nice dinner and possibly a crappy movie?? It isn’t exactly a tall fucking order for any guy! Just do this three, maybe four times, and so long as you pay, open the door, and act like a civilzed human being, I would greatly appreciate your manners. And by greatly appreciate, I mean you would get some action. And by action I mean head at the very least. 

It has become my mission to find this mythical creature which all women have heard of, yet few have actually seen: called A Good Man.  It will not be pretty. It will most likely involve much infatuation and rejection, concurrently. There will be drunken nights and lots of bitching and moaning.  But I am on a fucking mission! And I WILL see this mission through! 

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

my bed